My bladder is female. If she saw herself in the mirror she would be appalled. She is red, raw and covered with tiny pinprick cuts. She is hurting but any cream, any ointment will only make her feel more sore.
She is clutching the sink, struggling even to keep looking at herself as she is so horrified by what she sees. She is disgusted with herself. She used to be helpful, to have a purpose. She has now, over the past year, become a torturer, a sadist; she lives inside a 35 year old single mum with two small children and a life to lead and every day she hurts and torments her and makes her life almost unbearable.
But it is not her fault, not really. She only gives out pain because she is in pain herself. She only hurts because she is hurt.
What she wants, more than anything, is to get better. She just wants to be 'normal'. But it's been so long, she can barely remember what 'normal' is.
Hello I just read all your blog and relate so much. I have been having symptoms on and off for 10 years (!) , although I've had remissions after both my children were born (symptoms went away for 3 years after the second one until an e-coli UTI started it all off again Dec last year). I am pretty much a single mother (I have a partner, father of the second child, but I'm pushing him away because I feel who would want me I can't have sex, i am miserable and depressed, can't do all the things he is interested in etc. also he works a lot so I do everything with the children).
ReplyDeleteI constantly worry about the pain, if it will get worse, I know underneath I have IC (all the symptoms fit and I am diet sensitive too) but all the Urologist had to say was "I think overactive bladder, take this medication as directed (Vesicare), and come back in a year" (A YEAR!!!!!!!!!!. I am terrified that I will be refused adequate pain relief, yet at the same time terrified to take them in case mybody gets used to them and they stop working.
My life is non recognisable and I too would not be here if not for my kids (age 8 and 4).
I don't know what to say (and sorry for poor grammar!), other than thanks for writing so eloquently about something so difficult and resonant for me.
that's exactly why I am writing Laura, so that we don't have to feel so alone... thank you so much for your reply - it means a lot to me that my writing is reaching people who need to read it - hang in there. at least your story proves remission is possible! xxx
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