only I could plan the quietest birthday and end up on the floor

So after the mayhem that was this time last year ( a dinner with six friends which ended with a club with two friends, I won't go into details but they took my phone off me to stop me from calling my ex and somehow I decided to stumble home at 3am up all the hills I could find, not just my own; ended up sobbing on sofa with the dishwasher man as audience on Nov 2, reaching a new rock bottom) , I decided to have a quiet birthday this year. No alcohol, no late nights, no melodramas. What could go wrong?

So here was the plan: A beautiful family birthday morning with my nearest and dearest. Breakfast in bed which my kids were determined to make. Meet with a few friends for brunch at one of my favourite cafes; a few hours at the Spa with a couple of best friends; birthday tea with friends and family. Then after settling children, another good friend coming over in the evening for a movie/pizza/relax. Calm, lovely day.

As I say, what could go wrong?

The day started well. Everything was good until we reached the steam rooms of the Spa. And then what could go wrong? Fentanyl, in a word.

I have gone back to wearing pain patches for my IC; as the morning pain became so unbearable again the GP and I decided that it was worth going back to a patch for a while, despite the fact they make my skin so itchy and make my ability to regulate hot and cold difficult , so I'm either boiling or freezing. But the agonising morning pain less debilitating so it's easier to look after the children.

So, we did this a week ago. And it's not as if I forgot; some lady in the spa even pointed it out to me 'do you realise you have a plaster on your shoulder?' (!!!) , but I forgot you are not meant to overheat in them i.e. steam rooms. It happened to me before in the summer, at a rollerblading party, where I got so hot the patch slid off, I put a new one on, and promptly o/d so badly I vomitted. So you'd have thought I'd have known. But I was just so excited. It was my birthday; we were at the spa; everything was lovely.

I just didn't think.

After the steam rooms, I started to zone out a bit. My friends were talking and I wanted to join in but wasn't sure which bloke was which, who they were discussing, didn't want to say the wrong thing; knew I would.

Went to changing rooms and lost ten minutes just sitting on floor with room spinning. Dried my hair then asked an assistant for help so we didn't get overcharged. They were lovely; brought me water and sweet tea. And my friends were pretty lovely too.

We got to my parents, where the children had helped to make a lovely birthday tea; I got through it, opened the presents, but it was as if they were all staring at me waiting for me to collapse. I clearly didn't look 'normal'.

Didn't have to drive home as Mum drove me. Then it was just me and the children. At some point my legs gave way. My ten year old was scared, I convinced her not to call 999 but just to call my parents, who did come but were angry (their stock position when faced with emotional difficulty) and mum said 'is this to do with the heroin patch on your arm'. And my father upset my son; calling him 'brainless' outside of his room, within his earshot, because he wouldn't obey orders. He was upset! It was his mum's birthday!

My friend turned up in the evening; she's amazing, but was out of her depth - is younger than me and hasn't seen this before. She didn't quite know what to do and we ended up with my fella, who would have been the best person in the world to have there, talking her through it. I'd taken some valium to get me through the birthday tea, so they were worried I would properly o/d. I knew I wouldn't, as soon as I started eating chocolate I felt better, but my friend said ' you can't even feed yourself', which stuck in my head - was she judging me? I felt the judgement, even if it was just in my head. I don't know what she really thought. Was this my fault?

It wasn't, it wasn't my fault. These things chase me, haunt me.

Next birthday I will do NOTHING. I will stay in bed all day, play board games with my kids. I won't venture out of the house and if I'm still on these stupid drugs for IC, I will make sure I don't get carried away with something approaching happiness and keep my mind firmly on the job.

So, another year passed.

Then the next night neither of my close friends who'd been at the spa with me could/would come to the fireworks with us at the Rec; so I ended up feeling very alone.

Something I feel a lot, these days.