how close can we get to each other?

Can we ever really know anybody else?

I feel I know my children, because they lived inside me and because I'm with them every day and they rely on me for their needs and their wants and they share their emotions with me... but they will grow and fly and I may feel at times when older that I don't know them anymore at all (I doubt it, but I know it can happen).

After two weeks, I am getting to know my kitten; I know what she likes (tuna; tickles with her red feathers; cuddles; independence; a clean litter tray) and what she doesnt like (being alone too long; being hassled to play or perform; loud noises) but how well will I ever know her? Cats know the truth of life, which is that we walk on our own.

I feel I know my best friends up to a point (though sometimes not as well as I think - friendship is a funny one, where we tend to present our 'best' side and keep other parts hidden... when it gets too real, friends who are not so real tend to run, as several of mine have done since I got ill), some members of my family (my brother - we used to do everything together - now time and space have distanced us but I still feel I know the essence of who he is; my cousin, who lives in NYC but I still feel I can turn to with anything; my Granny and Grandpa, who have been my rocks throughout my life and now there are no inhibitions, I care for my Grandpa, yesterday I literally picked him up off the floor after a fall and nursed him, just as the two of them did for me so many times when I fell down emotionally in my teens and twenties...) yet there is so much about all of them that I do not know.

There are so many gaps. And my mother and father - and my other siblings - I know them well, in one sense, and yet I do not know them at all. I know how they will act and react in a given situation; I know how they define themselves to the world; but their inner lives? Often as much of a mystery to me as mine is to them.

And my lovely frustrating soulmate, I know him inside out and have known him for so long, for good and for bad... We know each other so well and yet do I really know him? What does he keep hidden? What do I not know?

It's what has always made me suspicious of marriage. When people get married, do they then become 'one' and know each other completely? I doubt it. It seems a bit of a naive idea. There are still secrets and lies; the gaps remain. And perhaps it is the gaps which keep us interested. We can then share what we wish and keep the rest buried or hidden away in our secret corners... part of the fun in love or friendship is discovering some of these secrets and getting closer through this. I suppose marriage would be saying 'well, I love hanging out with you, you make me happy, you are my companion and I want to walk this path of life with you, even though we can't know everything about each other and actually it might get dull if we did.'

Because if we knew everything, would there be anything left to say?

The reality is that you can only really know yourself / the universal force / God.

I am still getting to know myself; and getting to know how to best handle and care for myself. I am finally getting there, but I have spent most of my life thus far running away from myself through drink/substances/sex etc... with IC I have had to leave these behaviours behind and face who I am. I have also had to learn how best to care for myself when in pain, physical and emotional.

I was sitting with my dear Grandpa yesterday, with all inhibitions gone. I won't go into details as he would hate it, but suffice to say that we no longer stand on ceremony. And I love him so much, and yet sometimes I just cannot reach him; nobody can.

And I thought: you come into this world alone and screaming and leave the same way. Everyone else you meet along the way is a companion, a partner, a lover, a pal, a responsibility, a lifelong friend, a passing acquaintance, an enemy, an annoyance, a giggle or a headache; but nobody else is dancing the same dance as you are.

You are unique; and you must face the fact that you are, ultimately, alone.