not waving or drowning, just keeping our boat afloat

So here we are in our little boat. Me and my children. And to hell with everyone else. I think that might be the message I'm sending out to the world, and the message the world is reflecting back to me. Both of my Baby Daddies hate me right now, I keep arguing with friends and family, and I generally just get on with the business of trying to tread water and get through the days without too much thought for other people's feelings, emotions or preferences.

This means I'm pissing a lot of people off. And because I'm in survival mode, I don't care much. You're either with me, or against me; and if you're against me, I can't be bothered with you anyway and there's the door - please walk through it. If you're with me, great - but don't expect me to be the old me I was a couple of years ago.

Yes I still smile a lot outwardly when I can be bothered; that's the mask I put on to the world.

Yes I still try to be compassionate and caring and kind and interested in others.... I still care when my friends are upset or when some terrible event happens in the world....

But part of me has gone cold, so cold, and only cares about keeping my little boat afloat, so that my children and I do not sink under the surface into the icy depths and get swallowed up by the black water beneath us. We have to keep going. So we keep going.

I forget to ask people things - I forget to call people - I forget birthdays - I forget to 'consult' my Baby Daddies on things (though I pretty much raise my kids single-handed so part of me doesn't really want to consult them anyway, but my level of communication has definitely decreased). I'm not on Facebook or Twitter. I don't waste time with inane chat in the playground at school pick up time. I focus on what is important:my health, my children, our wellbeing, peace and love surrounding us.

And that way, we survive. And if people don't like it, they can just turn around and sail away in the opposite direction. My remaining friends and supporters are pretty tolerant of me in this state and understand where I'm at. Just as well.