why I didn't become class rep

So at my children's primary school, the best in my Provincial Town where all the schools are Good but some are more Good than others, every year there is a class rep. The class rep is responsible for organising social events, coffee mornings, christmas and summer fairs, and generally keeping things going.

After I'd been ill for around six months but was stabilising on medication,  I thought that being class rep for Blue Eyed Boy's class next year would be a good idea (it was actually a crazy idea, but then I was on a strong morphine pain patch when I thought of it, so don't blame me).

So I volunteered. Then I kept changing my mind. Then I said yes again. I wanted to do something to get back into the middle of things, to remain involved in school life but also because I missed half of his year 1 due to illness. Close to the centre of the boat, and all that. I've never been 'popular' and I don't give a flying fig about that, but I'm good at organising things and people and I thought it would be fun.

And now I've said no, finally, in an email to all the oh so yummy school mummies. I've suggested that maybe a few people could share the role. The woman who did it last year is a highly ambitious, vaguely repressed 40 year old who should be running a merchant bank rather than the social events of a primary school class, but perhaps she'll do it again. No responses as yet. Most of them have time, energy and health on their hands but probably too many manicures and gym training sessions to get to; the nice ones are genuinely juggling work, kids and sluggish husbands and the idea no doubt sounds a hellish addition of responsibility to them.

To be honest I am dreading even the prospect of getting the children to and from school / clubs / activities ... I've enlisted my friend to take them to school two or three mornings a week and collect them two days a week, just so I can conserve my energy... I'm dreading having to take my walking stick to the school gate if things get really bad again (after my operation in April, the look on my children's faces when I had to take my stick to school was enough to break my heart - the mix of pity, fear and embarrassment)...

So how the hell can I take responsibility for co-ordinating the whole class - and why should I?

It was a bonkers, overambitious idea, and in Devon I decided I had to pull out.

I'm not regretting the decision, but I'm upset about it. It's something that if I was healthy I could do standing on my head - at my Oxford College I co-ordinated the women's junior common room, inviting speakers including P.D.James and Jo Brand to come and speak to over a hundred women at a time. I think I could manage a few pizza nights and tombolas.

It just makes me sad , because it highlights how little I can do. The only thing I can do, really, is sit here and write. And maybe that's exactly what I need to be doing.