absent and ex friends

On the subject of friendship, it has been on my mind a lot.

What does it mean?

and how do we react when our friends get very ill / have a breakdown / need help?

Two years ago, when I was with Fuck head, AKA Mr Sleezeball, source of my illness and first on my hit list (if I had one, which of course, I don't), I would have said I had ten close female friends. perhaps more. fifteen? some local, some in London, a couple abroad. perhaps even twenty. Sometimes I even used to count them (is that strange? oh well).

I remember Sleezeball used to say 'gosh you have a lot of friends, I only have true one' (yes, that should have been a warning sign, especially as this said friend's name sounded like a disease). I could have sworn that most of them would stick by me through thick and thin.

And then disaster struck. haemorrhage, hospital; permanent illness began.

And gradually, like rats leaving a sinking ship, my circle of friends began to disappear.

Some people unavoidably: two friends , and my favourite cousin, emigrated, all in close succession, nothing to do with me I hasten to add, but a blow nevertheless; and one lives permanently abroad so we've always been close but correspond mainly by email. the friends in London I can no longer see easily, so though they haven't 'abandoned' me, I miss them so much it physically hurts.

One friend just dumped me on the spot, because I was apparently sending her suicidal messages in the middle of the night ( off my head on morphine in the hospital) and she thought I was dramatizing and really not ill at all. She had the audacity to contact Sleezeball to ask him how ill I really was!!! She and I had always been turbulent; it feels permanent this time. I miss her, but then again, if that was how she felt, so be it. I hope she is ok.

One other 'close' friend - and these two were close, close friends as I thought - decided that I was far too needy, and that friendship should be free of any demand or obligation to help. She lectured me; she bitched at me; she slagged me off; she left me. I've written about her on here. I don't miss her, really. She is hard as nails, and not in a good way. Her view that you don't help your friends when they are down and out is very strange, cold and incomprehensible to me. I was very angry with her after everything I'd been through with her. But friendship isn't like that - it's not a 'deal'. You did that for me, so I'll do that for you. It doesn't work that way. It has to be willing, and she wasn't. I hope one day I will be able to wish her well.

And then some people just distanced themselves.... Rang less, emailed less.... They're still around, but not like in the days when I could sparkle . I don't sparkle anymore.

Some other friends and acquaintances, some of whom I really liked, I had made through a women's group. Sadly I had to let go of them.... Because one of them was totally horrible to me, and I couldn't work out the loyalties of the others... And there were some strange, witchy vibes around... I burnt my tarot cards, and I let those women go, in peace.

A few friends, however, have stuck with me like gorgeous beautiful limpets. Like stardust. My little Angel sister, who has stuck by me through thick and thin and made me know I am not alone; and another tough, wonderful, strong friend, who has even come with me to various hospital appointments (we've had our good times in the past, partying hard, and she always, always makes me laugh, even if I'm sobbing)... these two have been just totally amazing during my illness. They will always be there to listen, not judge; they help with the kids; they are practical; they don't pressure me. I love them dearly and I always will. They both have kids and all of them get on with each other, which makes it easier. They are also basically single mums, so they understand, as only single mums can, how hard it is, even if you're not ill.

Two other best friends have serious illnesses themselves which prevent them from helping practically but I know they are always on the end of the phone, and that hasn't changed. I know I will know them all my life, and I bear them no animosity for their absence: it's not their fault, just as my illness is not my fault. It's just how it is: we can't support each other much.

My lovely godmum of Blue Eyed Boy, one of my favourite people in the world, is abroad, having a fine time, living her life; I miss her desperately. Her beautiful sister, PPB's local godmum, is great with my daughter but we don't see her enough; she is so busy.

My siblings are all off doing their own thing - one abroad, two in London - and yes, I see them when they're back, but it's not regular. I miss them all a lot. I know they love me and yet I also know how frustrated they are with me. I'm their big sister; this shouldn't be happening to me; this shouldn't be happening to my family. I always feel there is some blame around, even if it's only in my head.

Other old friendships remain unaffected by my 18 months of ill health. There are some people I haven't seen for years but can text out of the blue and it's wonderful; if they turned up to visit, I'd love it.

I suppose it was the friendships that were very close at the time, the two in particular which happened so suddenly, which really hurt the most.

Illness really does put things into perspective and really does show you who is with you for the long haul and  who isn't.

And you couldn't predict it. If you tried to, now, if you made a list, I promise you that you would be wrong. It is not the people you think who either abandon you or stick by you. It is as much to do with them as with you.

And of course I've had to let go of the man I love, at least for now. That has been the hardest thing of all, perhaps. And yet it is right, for a myriad of reasons. But he is with me in my heart 24/7. That will never change, even beyond the grave. No abandonment there; just the harsh realities of life, my illness, his problems. I miss him like mad.

The one person I've wanted the most through all of this , my dear Granny, has been dead for over 5 years. I realise she was, perhaps, my very best friend, and I shall not look upon her like again. I hope she is watching over me, rooting for me still; but god do I miss her.

I try to practice gratitude for the people who have stuck around and I try not to resent the people who haven't and I just wish good things for the people who can't be with me for whatever reason.

How does the saying go: some people are with you for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime?

I couldn't agree more.