how bad can it get: if you're squeamish, don't read this post

so it's a week on, and what a week....

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I managed ok, until Friday evening I suddenly had a ferocious upset stomach with violent diareahha, which lasted all through the night, then on Saturday an episode of rectal bleeding, which can be anything, ranging from the mild to the fatal, but can also be a side effect of Elmiron. I then had a weekend of panic / pain / tears, punctuated by visits from various doctors and family members; the children went to stay with their grandparents, which was fine at that point as plenty of family around; and so on I went. They put a lot of pressure on me to be admitted as an inpatient to the hospital, but I resisted. There are no clean toilets in that hospital, and most of the nurses are total bitches.

On Monday I got in touch with my own doctor and consultant, to be advised to lie low, stop the Elmiron, do a stool sample, and let things settle down.

Yesterday, I went to do the stool sample and there was some more blood. However, after a second panic attack, I then realised my period had also at long last (after more than 2 months) started, so this second bleed may well have been menstrual not rectal. Impossible to know. I did two stool samples, which have been sent off for analysis.

I am also being referred urgently to Gastroenterology, which will mean, on top of everything else, tubes up my bottom and down my throat to see what could have caused the bleeding. I mean, in my mind it must have been the Elmiron, but the doctors say there is just no way of knowing without looking.

I am finding it very hard to stay positive.

I am crying all the time.

Blue Eyed Boy too homesick so has come back home to sleep nights; my lovely PPB being helpful and staying with my Very Welsh Mother, who has gone completely mad in the past two days and every time she sees me, shouts at me that it is my fault I am ill (go figure) and that I should 'fuck off'. I was so worried about her yesterday that one of my bestest friends, I can't think of a name that sums up how helpful and lovely she has been to me since I got ill eighteen months ago: my little Angel sister perhaps? Anyway she came round and cooked dinner for all the kids and for me, to give my mum a break. There was still a big drama afterwards, with PPB wanting to come home and lots of vicious texts.

All the stress only makes me feel worse.

Right now, my stomach pain is severe, but the bleeding rectally has stopped, and I am glad to have a period. I shall just have to take each day as it comes and follow doctors orders.

Regards the IC, I've found a very good private doc who is pioneering research into cystitis which will not go away, and she is going to test my urine in thorough methods not used by the NHS (in a few weeks, once stomach bug and Elmiron have cleared my system) then come up with a course of treatment. We had a phone consultation yesterday. She is clearly an expert. She does use long term a/bs, though, which I worry about in terms of gut flora / thrush. But lets see what she comes up with first. At least she seems to know what she is doing, which is more than the Big Cheese, bless him, my smiling Cheshire cat consultant, seems to know ('we don't understand IC, sorry' being his favourite catchphrase - one wonders if this would be the same if it was an illness affecting 90% men).

So that's where I'm at.

Taking Diazepam every time I feel like I'm going to fall off the edge of the world; resting a lot; trying not to panic. Not crying in front of the children.

Thankful for the help of my mother , whatever price it comes at, and my best friends who are being AMAZING - my two closest single mum friends, you know who you are, I could not be surviving this without your practical and emotional support. I love you both dearly.

I love many people who aren't here, either . Some are abroad; some have left my life for good; some temporarily. Some only exist now in my memory. But I love them still. And you know who you are, too.