IC awareness day11:perception of myself with IC

Tell me about who people think you are now that you have Interstitial Cystitis. Then tell me about who you know you are and some things about yourself that you may be in denial about concerning your condition.


An outline of Rainbowgirl

People think different things, and I have learnt to care less about what they think anyway. I think most acquaintances, close or distant, regard me with a mixture of awe, pity and curiosity. My true friends know how my life really is so mostly they think I am brave and strong. Some people think, or thought, that I made it all out to be worse than it is, as some kind of bid for attention or sympathy, or some kind of excuse for not getting my life together; though that is fading now as the months go on and the pain I'm in is obvious to people around me.

I think some people who know me well and know my history do connect my IC with anger. I was angry when I got ill, and I'm still angry. I'm even more outspoken now than I was before I got ill when something pisses me off, though contrarily I am also generally often more introverted and withdrawn. But when I want to say something, I say it. I hate complacency and I like to shake things up and that has only got stronger since I've been battling with IC. I'm sure some people don't like that; but tough.

I know that I am a huge mixture of contradictory impulses and character traits. I am kind, gentle, loving, caring, soft, intelligent, passionate, trusting, enthusiastic, spontaneous; I am also jealous, suspicious, depressive at times, fragile, pushy, hard, 'in your face', 'full on'. Basically I'm very intense emotionally - I don't really see this as a bad thing, especially if channelled in the right direction, but some people do, and certainly it can cause problems. I am often confused about what I want , but once I know, I am determined and focused. I do not give up if I want to persuade someone of something or if I want something badly.

I keep on keeping on, which is what I am doing with Interstitial Cystitis.

So I know that I am dealing with this illness in the best way I know how. I'm fighting the very best fight I can and giving it everything I've got with the remaining energy I have after caring for my two children, which sometimes isn't very much. But I am putting my energy into trying every available treatment, orthodox, alternative, diet, supplements... you name it. I am trying my best - that much I know.

I think I'm in denial about how scared I am. When I stop and think abou it, I am terrified. And I do not admit that to myself or to anybody else very often. It paralyses me - the fear. It stops me from fighting the daily fight. When I consider I may have to live with this illness for the rest of my life, it makes me desperate. And desperately angry.

Apparently anger is related to bladder disease. My acupuncturist said she has seen soooo many people with cystitis-related problems who were harbouring great anger. I am livid with my ex partner for getting me into this whole thing,making me ill in the first place through his negligence, even though logically I know he did not intend to give me a chronic illness, but still. Anger is anger - it's like holding a hot coal; I am burning, and my bladder is burning.

I am not exactly in denial about this - I know it as a fact in my head - but I am not doing anything about it. I am just letting it fester.

To really help myself get better, I need to face my fears and I need to deal with my fury. Somehow. Right now I cannot even think where to start. Right now I just tread water, just get through the hour, just get through the day. This too shall pass