with or without you

I got really upset yesterday at the thought that my dear old Grandpa, whom I am very close to and have cared for a great deal in the 5 years since my Granny (and best friend) died, might eventually have to move to a home, and not in the city I live in. That I might not be able to see him whenever I/he want/s. That we might be separated. I burst into tears. And then I thought - he's 93. It's not as if he is going to be here in ten years time anyway. Or even five. Who knows?

Suddenly that thought was so untenable to me; so utterly dreadful. I feel as if I have lost enough people who I really care about; I cannot lose another. The people who are close to me are so precious to me I just want to superglue them to the spot, to 'keep' them, to know for sure that they are not going anywhere.

And yet that is not how life works; not my life, and not anybody's life. Everything is in a state of flux and change is the law of the universe. We all grow old; we all go through phases and metamorphose into different people, though we remain the same in essence. We outgrow each other. We 'dump' each other. We move away. We die.

The man I love is far away from me; he is on the other side of the country. My family hate him because of the way he acted years ago, because he lied, because he stole, because he hurt me. Also he is someone so out of their sphere that they cannot understand what makes him tick and the very idea of him being my soulmate hurts or would hurt them (some of them know; some can't stand to know). The fact that he has learnt and grown and changed doesn't come into it for them, though for me it counts for a lot. We cannot be together for now and yet there he is, solid, supporting me, from afar.

Some people say it is easy to do that, but I disagree. It's not easy to be there for someone, up close or far away. It is really difficult to listen; it's not easy to be bothered. How often do you really take the time to hear somebody else? It's much easier to forget, to say 'I'll call you back'; to postpone and prioritise something or someone else. But I never get that from him. And I can only conclude it's because of genuine old-fashioned love. I do the same for him and however things turn out, will probably do so all my life. Who knows what the future holds for us? I cannot hold onto him; it's like sinking in quicksand or holding a ladder up to the stars. I can only let it be what it is.

As with all of my relationships: in the end, we are born alone and we die alone. And with or without any of you, my life will play out, and will go through its phases, and one day I will stop breathing.

It's good to think about these things once in a while. Everything can seem so permanent, and yet nothing is. Nothing lasts. Except love, which does; though sometimes that just causes more pain.

But love is what saves us. It is, in my view, the only force in this universe stronger than death. Love is what pulls us through when we do not want to carry on; love is what gets us out of bed in the morning and encourages us to put one foot in front of another. The immediate love for and from my children keeps me going through the days. Otherwise I would probably have given up the daily and hourly fight by now.

So love - or Love, for it merits a capital letter, being as important as God, whatever you take that to mean - is permanent, but we cannot hold onto it. It's like trapping a butterfly in a glass box to look at its beauty: that's the best way to kill it.