lying here thinking...

... about the people in my life who have stuck by me, and the people who have returned, and the people who have disappeared, slowly or suddenly, and the people who have run fast in the other direction from me.

I never could have predicted who would do what.

I don't feel sad for the people I have lost, really; though I will miss them, I expect, in the fullness of time. But there's no point in sticking around nominally and I don't take betrayal lightly. Either you want to be with me, or not. I'm not perfect - who the hell is - and if somebody spends their time criticising you and pointing out your faults when you are ill, then really they're not worth knowing. In fact, they're a toxic bitch and you're much, much better off without them. So goodbye, Toxic Friend. And my friendships which have lapsed... well, come back if you want, but don't expect it to be quite the same. I've learnt that fair weather friends aren't really friends at all.

If somebody is in a relationship with you for a year when the going is good, then leaves you when you've just got out of hospital and are seriously ill, you can safely conclude they are a. a total wanker, and b. not somebody who loved or respected you much in the first place. Mr Sleezeball, I firmly add you to my list of people I most regret sleeping with. In fact, you're at the top of the list.

My few close friends who have been with me through thick and thin this year I will love forever and will never forget their kindness. And you know who you are. Some of them I've seen regularly - as they're local; others are far away (and yes, London is far!) but I don't begrudge them that if they've kept in touch and I've known they still care. One amazing friend sent me letters and postcards through the winter which really kept me going. Some are ill themselves or have had many other things going on and so long as I know we're still connected, it's ok.

One of my loveliest friends emigrated to Australia 2 years ago and has since had a baby and got herself a new husband (not in that order, but you know what I mean). It only took an hour sitting on a bench with her when she visited for a day to realise that I hadn't lost her at all, even though I never see her and months and months go by without us talking. Roll on the days when I am well enough to visit Byron Bay! Likewise another very close friend is currently living in the States. I need to email her as I hope to visit her next year with Pre Pubescent Beauty, who is her goddaughter. I miss her a lot, but I know as soon as I see her we will just pick up where we left off; we always do.

And last but not least, my Heathcliff, my soulmate, whom I wish I could be with but at least know is out there and loves me. He has been like a rock for me since we got back in touch, particularly at midnight when I'm sobbing about how much pain I'm in and there is nobody who wants or cares to listen. He is my past; he is here, back, incredibly, in my present; I hope if he sorts out his shit he might stick around for my future too.